This was found on the Rec.Models.Railroad newsgroup. It is published here with the authors permission. Comments regarding this text should be sent directly to him. Sit back scroll, down and enjoy.

If Dr. Seuss was a model railroader by Mike Fischer

What's this I hear? You want some trains?
You want to run some little trains?

But you have to lay your track down
long before you run a train,
And the joy of making trackplans
can put headaches in your brain.

There are twice-arounds and out-and-backs
and even point-to-point--
Oh, these funny words! What are they?
Oh, my head is out of joint!

Then you have to choose an era,
make it old or make it new,
But the experts will make faces
if you try to mix the two.
Go with prototype or freelance,
model shortlines or the main--
My-oh-my! You're looking lost and scared.
I guess I should explain.

Now, scale means you compare the size
of real things to the small,
And gauge means space between the rails;
they're not the same at all.
And prototype? Why that just means
the way it's really done
On the really truly railroads,
all for work and not for fun.

Now, HO is the favorite scale
for three folks out of four,
And little N is second--
you can run trains on a door!
And O scale is a big scale,
as the Lionel fans can guess,
And there are others, like Gauge 1,
TT, Z, G, and S.

And I could keep explaining
'til your head gets full, and POP!
But that's enough for starters,
so I think that I should stop.
And now you're getting restless,
so why don't you ask your Pop
To get his car and take you
to the local hobby shop.

For the hobby shop sells things
That you won't find in other stores,
And the owner, he likes trains, too,
So you'll never get ignored.
There are books and magazines there
That can probably explain
Half the questions that you're asking--
Oh, but first, look at the trains!

You want some trains? This is the store!
You've never seen such trains before!

You'll need some boxcars, quite a few--
You must have more than one or two,
And open hoppers; covered, too,
And tank cars full of sticky goo.

Flat cars carry boards and logs,
Stock cars carry cows and hogs,
And reefers carry cold egg-nogs
Across your rails and turnout frogs.

(A turnout? That's just something which
Would otherwise be called a switch.
A frog? Why, that's where two rails meet
And cross each other, nice and neat.)

You might want some big auto-racks
All full of Fords and Pontiacs,
And then, of course, there's piggybacks,
Or, better yet, some double-stacks!

But there's a warning I must call,
For piggybacks are rather tall,
And if your tunnels are too small,
You won't like double-stacks at all.

Now here's another revelation:
People ride trains on vacation--
Baggage, coach, and observation,
Taking folks across the nation.

And engines--how will you decide?
There are so many, side by side:
Black steamers there, with rods that slide,
And painted diesels that just glide.

Here's my advice: in terms of style,
Just pick one out that makes you smile,
But get one that will last a while;
A cheap one just won't go a mile.

For if your engine will not run,
It makes you mad, and that's not fun.
You need cabooses; well, just one,
and--what? No, wait! We are not done!

You'll need to buy a power pack,
And yes, of course, you need some track.
The owner smiles at your full sack--
He knows that you will soon be back.

There are so many things to buy,
Like trucks, and trees, and painted sky.
Don't get them now, and here is why:
Your piggy bank will soon run dry.

Now you have trains! What will you do?
Why, make a railroad that is new!

Nail your track down on your table
Just as straight as you are able.
(Try and try, but you will fail
To keep your trains on crooked rail.)

You'll need two wires to hook your track
To "DC" on your power pack.
Don't use "AC" for trains--oh, my!
Your brand-new engine, it will fry!

Plug in the pack, turn on the power,
Then sit and watch it for an hour.
There's something neat I can't explain
About just watching that first train.

But soon you'll start to make some plans
For tunnels, lakes and long bridge spans,
Hills and valleys, up and down--
Say, I know! Why not build a town?

So to the hobby shop you go,
With many questions you must know.
The owner helps you, in the knowledge
You'll help put his kids through college.

And now a mountain--how to do it?
Looks tough, but there's nothing to it!
First, a frame you'll have to make
Of wood and cardboard; it won't break.

Then mix the plaster 'til it's soupy;
Dip newspapers 'til they're goopy.
Slap them on the frame until
The frame is hidden--there's your hill!

Now it is a lovely sight,
But mountains are not colored white.
So make the whiteness go away
With artist's tints of brown and gray.

And now, some grass you'd like to view?
You'll make it stick with watered glue,
Or if you like, to break the tedium,
Use acrylic, uhh, matte medium.

Spray a spot, then sprinkle on
Some fine-ground foam, and there's your lawn!
Drill some holes, and with great ease,
You've got a place to plant some trees.

And water? All good modelers say
That they have found the one best way
To make fake water look quite wet.
(They all look pretty good, I bet.)

But real wet water isn't good;
It's heavy, leaky, soaks through wood,
Evaporates, and causes mold,
And bad short circuits, so I'm told.

And buildings! What? You haven't any?
Take your choice! There are so many--
Stations, coal mines, stores and banks,
Factories and water tanks.

Get your start with plastic kits,
For wooden ones have many bits
And pieces you must cut to fit,
And that's too hard for your first kit.

Besides, once you have got the knack,
You know that you can soon go back
And buy one of the fancy kits,
And paint and glue and small drill bits.

And soon your railroad's looking grand.
The trains, they roll across the land
With cars of freight and people, too.
But here is one more thought for you.

You may have heard a lot of hype
About "Here's how the prototype
Does things, so this must be the best."
Now ask yourself this simple test.

When your long trains begin to run,
Does someone fire a starting gun?
Or do they start off like molasses,
Gaining speed in mountain passes?

If your trains start up quite slow,
You're close to the real thing, you know.
But that's just an initiation
To realistic operation.

Some modelers make rule books clear
For brakeman and for engineer.
Some trust their cargoes, near and far,
To waybills or to tab-on-car.

And some are real as they are able--
Signals, fast clock and timetable,
And if the Express is late,
Dispatcher makes the others wait.

What are all these fancy words?
Is it all just for the birds?
Is this something you should do?
I will leave it up to you.

But always keep this thought in mind:
A better hobby you won't find,
So get those trains and let them run,
As long as you are having FUN!

( 8{ Mike the BN modeler
Cke1st@aol.com

By the way... I can't for the life of me figure out why but several magazines have refused the opertunity to publish this. Personally I think it would be a definate relief from some of the stale junk they have been publishing lately (just my opinion).

Published March 29, 1999

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